Saturday, April 21, 2012

Strangers Have the Best Candy

In 1998, as I'm sure I've previously mentioned, I worked for a major insurance company in the settling-the-class-action-lawsuit division. Amongst the people with whom I worked were Dawn and Andy, two troublemaking young people who I enjoyed very much.

One day, a junk email found its way to me. It was a collection of "Children's Books You Will Never See," or so said the subject. As far as such emails go, it was one of the funnier I had seen up to that time. One title leapt out at me though and I decided to "commemorate" my friendship with Andy and Dawn by making an actual storybook out of it.

Be warned: it's intended as humor only, and is in very bad taste. If you have the stomach to read on, you can find the entire storybook at Blue Spinoolean.

As far as updating the illustrations from all those years ago is concerned, I added the Uneek logo to the cover and spent a few minutes making a few other small adjustments.

Below is the original email joke:


Children's Books You Will Never See

"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens CAN Fly!"
"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer-Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George" "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Babar and His Cross-Dressing Cronies"
"What Can I Get Away With Before I'm Tried As An Adult"
"Cats Need Prozac too"
"Fun With... 911"
"Lassie was a Bitch and Other Fun Animal Facts" "What are Life Partners and Why Bert and Ernie Don't Date" 
"The Junior Tattoo Artist Handbook"
"Housepets that are Dishwasher-Safe"
"The Litterbox Isn't Just For the Cat"
"Household Chemicals That Go...BOOM"
"Charlotte's Web-Page and Other Naughty Sites"
"Willy Wonka and His Slave Labor Factory Tactics"
"Fun With Zoo Animals and Alka-Seltzers"

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